My Painful Alarm Clock
October 11th, of any year
There is a depth in loss that only losers know. A longing of what might’ve, could’ve, should’ve been. Now what was fully vibrant and alive is empty, the vacuum of what you left behind. A world of future possibility that fades in recall like last night’s vivid dream.
I think of you from time to time, think of the times together doing stuff. I try to celebrate, to enjoy your memory, but any joy slips away, morphing into something first melancholy then morbid.
Like all pain, you are an awakening. It is the alarm clock from hell announcing the fragile nature of who we all are. It is the broadcast of our brokenness, deep dependency and connectivity to each other. I hug my children closer. I take a drunk to dinner. I find the homeless and helpless and listen, offering little but my ear. I sit with my wife and play backgammon even though she is not very good and cherish losing to her. Yes, I am filled with your pain, but balanced in a strange way with an understanding of its lesson. Life is to be cherished, people are to be loved, mouths are for praise, time is for charity, and your memory – my painful alarm clock.
A problem with October
Context: A problem with October was penned as an entry which won first place in a writing contest. The topic was “Anniversary”.
“I’m going to tell Mom, I swear”
“Stop worrying chicken, what’s the worst that could happen”, said the older brother as he began to pour the soda from the can into the small hole in the ground, “It’s an experiment”. The first yellow jacket landed on his forehead. With panicked speed he smashed the bee with the hand that held the soda can opening a gash just above his right eye. “Run stupid they’re all coming now” said the younger brother as a bee cloud began to form and attack the enemy.
The problem with October is its depth, or maybe its shallowness. It comes as a thick descending cloud of the past, present and future, in its simplicity, unchanging, irrevocable, without mercy, a final decision leaving only regret, what might have, could have been.
“I’m not sure what to do; they will kick my ass if I don’t have cigarettes for them tomorrow after school, a whole pack!”. “Who said that” said the younger brother. “These guys behind the school on my way home”. “Tell you what”, said the younger brother, “I’ll meet with them and give them some of mine, you concentrate on Russian and the chess club”. “Are you sure” said the older brother”? “Absolutely” said the younger brother.
It makes perfect sense and no sense, both reasonable and insane. A long term solution to a short term problem. The only way to stop his pain now is to begin mine forever. One size fits all. It is the anniversary of agony a festival of regret.
“I don’t understand” said the older brother, “I mean they just walked right up to me and gave me ten dollars, just like that, I don’t understand”. “You know bro, understanding is over rated” said the younger brother. “Everytime they see you they will give you ten bucks, that’s the deal my buddies and I worked out with them. If you are short on cash look them up, but I think they will be avoiding you”.
The problem is I want the past. What was is better than what is. But there is no hope there only longing. One direction remains but with it comes the brokenness of pain tainting, forming who I become. A new me, a broken me that the old me would judge harshly and disapprove of. So far from home, I think sometimes I miss me more than him.
“I need another beer, God this bar sucks” said the younger brother. “Yea but it has a pool table” said the older brother drinking his third beer. “I want to ask you something, will you be my best man?” The younger brother was silent, “well sure if that is what you want, are you sure that is what you want? Your first real girl friend …what a looker sure and that body… but is she right for you? She is …. well … bossy and….”. The older brother’s anger grew “I can’t believe you said that. Someone looks my way and you get jealous? Thanks a lot. She said you would say that. I’ll find someone else, Dad will do it for me”.
Yet for all the mental gymnastics, simply put, it is what he wanted. His final “screw you” to a failed marriage and a divorce judge who refused to see things his way. Home from the court house, humiliated again, how easy to close the garage door and not turn off the car on that cloudy October day. How easy to just turn off life.
For all of my weapons, ways of exercising it, dealing with it, one thing is clear, I miss my old self , I miss my brother. One might say I have a ‘problem with October’.
Denial’s Denial
In the Podcast “Learning How to see,” Brian McLaren and others dive into the hidden world of self-deception. Denial, or cognitive dissonance or biases, for many years has been the domain of the world of addiction and alcoholic recovery. Now, pushed to the fore by a newer political and conspiracy-based context, this hidden world of subconscious motivation is in plain view for anyone with “eyes to see.” Why do so many otherwise normal, intelligent, educated, religious, moral people ignore facts and confirmed science—not to mention the letters in red—only to latch onto unfounded speculation with cult-like tenacity as a justification for behaving horribly?
| Lu 11:35 | Take heed therefore that the light which is in thee be not darkness. |
Sin is always easiest to spot in others. Pointing to the sins of others is a form of denial common to addicts, shifting the focus away from our own needed change and highlighting the misdeeds of others provides the needed distraction from the discomfort of self-confrontation.
Jesus pointed to the mirror, focusing on our own darkness as a means of renewal and personal self-revival. We tend to fear selfishness in others long before we fear it in ourselves. We give ourselves the “benefit of the doubt” while judging others harshly, holding others accountable according to their actions but ourselves according to our “I meant well” intentions and self-interest.
The Pharisees of Jesus’ day were professionals at focusing on the sins of others as a means of ignoring their own. Jesus’ condemnation of them in Matthew 7: 1-5 was harsh and pointed, not unlike an intervention aimed at an alcoholic.
“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
And why beholds thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considers not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”
It is hard to look in the mirror and be self-critical, to want the “bad news” about you. In recovery that is the only thing that frees from the grip of self-deception. Self-knowledge and self-exploration is a painful, deeply spiritual, prayerful ongoing project. AA calls it a “fearless moral inventory”. Seeing the “mote” (splinter) in others is much easier than the “beam” (telephone pole) in the mirror even though the telephone pole is much larger, especially with obvious sins of denial and confirmation bias which are so easy to point the finger at but hard to see in you. Seeing our own telephone poles require eyes that willingly look into the mirror, seeking out our own shortcomings.
It is comfortable to think “I have it together” or at least “I’m not as bad as so-and-so” especially when it seems there is so much denial of bad behavior happening around us. Knowing how to address “splinter issues” without ignoring our own “telephone pole” sin is an ongoing balancing act that requires pray, contemplation and counsel. However; “splinter issues” of others, (howbeit legitimate objects of protest and concern) must never become our denial by avoiding “telephone pole” sin. Sin usually comes wrapped up neatly in good intentions. My fixation, anger and disappointment of others confirmation bias can become my own denial when I point the finger at others with judgement, condemnation and accusation like the Pharisees of old. As with all sin, one gives birth to the next which leads to still more until their denial becomes mine. Ouch.
My fixation, anger and disappointment of others are testimony of my “telephone pole” sin regardless of my intentions or self-righteous justification. It is the reflection of what I must change. Pride and self-interest keep me from seeing the worst about myself, directing me away from self-evaluation, away from the revelation that gives birth to revival. Indeed, those trapped within a cult-like conspiracy are not the only trapped ones.
Matthew 22:39: “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”
How can we love our neighbor as ourselves if we not aware of our own internal bias toward ourselves? If we are subconsciously predisposed toward self-interest how can we offer “neighbor interest”? How can we treat others as ourselves before we acknowledge our own self-prejudices? Until we are willing to look deep into the mirror, we will always suffer from this unseen motivation of self-interest. This commandment could be viewed as an invitation to see ourselves clearly by evaluating how we treat others as “less” or “other”, which is the root of our collective, systemic and societal sins.
I was watching the news the other night and heard the headlines coming out of Washington. My thoughts were, “What is the matter with these people” as I went on a rant, condemning the Republican Party and the Political and Religious right. It was then that I saw it clearly in the mirror. It was my sin. My sin of judgement and condemnation, the one that makes me feel better about myself, feeling “enlightened” compared to them. A dualistic, them and us, right vs. wrong. A harsh judgment, everything Jesus stood against. I was the Pharisee with the telephone pole complaining about the splinters around me.
I fell to my knees and asked for help, for forgiveness of my sin, for love, kindness and compassion for others, for freedom from this binary contest of greater sins. There is no greater sin than those I allow in myself.
As a church community let us lead the way toward ongoing revival, the person in the mirror confronting their own sins, seeing ourselves as we truly are in repentance. Only then might the world around us, trust us with their sin.
2 Corinthians 10:12: “For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”